If you’ve hung around me all that much, you probably know that I put myself down a whole lot. I’ve known that I have a low self-esteem for a while, but recently, several people have been pointing it out as a serious problem in my life. On one hand, it’s really hard for me to see this as a problem. To me, it’s just the way I am. I even wrote in my last post, “I suck at leadership.” I wasn’t meaning that literally, but in regards to my sinful nature compared with the Holy Spirit inside me. And there, I believe, lies the real problem: I refer to my old sinful nature as “I.”
Why do I identify myself with my old sinful nature? I’m still trying to completely figure that out myself. You see, readers, I love my God. I love other people. I’m amazed by Him every day. I know that if I let Him, He’ll do amazing things through me. There’s the second problem: I don’t let Him. I sin, guys. I sin a lot. Sure, I don’t sleep around or look at porn. I don’t hate anybody. I don’t cheat in school. I don’t cuss. In fact, I’ve even cut out almost all TV and video games from my life. I thank God for all those victories. But are those the only sins that exist in this world? Heck no! How about all those times that God has told me to witness to a stranger at the bus stop? With maybe two half-exceptions in three years, I flat-out denied God to His face every time. How about every homeless person that I didn’t take some time and money to feed? That, my friends, is sin.
I realize more and more each day how selfish I really am. Who am I getting a degree for? Me. Who tries to stay comfortable as much as possible? Me. Who do I try to please? Me. Why do I continue to live for myself when I know the Creator of the universe? How can I be so freaking selfish when the Holy Spirit lives inside me? How can I continue to disobey His promptings? I may be getting better, slowly, every day. I’m definitely not getting worse. But it breaks me down even more now, every time I say “No” to God. It’s so much more difficult to say no to His promptings, but I still say no! Nothing has really changed. What’s my answer to all these things? I suppose it’s to call myself a “stupid idiot who sucks at everything,” live with a low self-esteem and leave it at that.
That, my friends, is the wrong answer. This is the right answer: obedience.
My God loves me, guys. I am his son. He is my LORD, Master, Savior, Redeemer. He is the Alpha, Omega, Beginning and the End. I am His. I think back to the parable of the disobedient servant. The servant who said he would obey but actually didn’t was the wrong one. Sometimes I think about all the people I could have witnessed to, and wonder how how many of them are going to hell now because of me. It scares me, and I’m disappointed with myself.
I think there is only one solution to my problem. I need to obey God every time. I need to become selfless. There is no greater love than to lay down my life for others. I have to remember that this life that I call “me” is not my own anymore! I was bought with a price, and I am now a slave to righteousness. I know that God will finish this good work in me. It’s really difficult, though. I need spiritual discipline. Then maybe I’ll think a little more highly of myself; right now I don’t think I deserve it. Jesus said it best:
“Then he said to them all: ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'” -Luke 9:23